Eating Out of Control

It's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping.  I haven't visited my blog in quite awhile.  I left everyone hanging while at my spectacular trip to the Biggest Loser Fitness Ridge.  I promised updating when I was done and life just got busy.  So here I am three months later in the middle of the night writing about my out of control eating.

I can't seem to get a grip on my eating.  I keep wanting to track calories again but that last about two days and I'm back off the wagon.  I'm really seeing the bingeing habits come back into play that got me to where I was a year ago with my weight.  I'm fortunate now to be exercising so many hours each week where I'm not gaining weight but my loss is also at a stand still.  By the way, my loss is at around 105-108 pounds.  I've been shying away from the scale the past couple of weeks.

I love food.

I don't know why sometimes when I start to eat bad stuff, I spiral into eating more.  Or better yet when I overeat......why do I continue to overeat even more???  I play head games with myself.  I'm conscious of myself doing it.  I talk to myself.  Sometimes I make myself do it quick so I can't think about it.  Sometimes I read the labels thoroughly knowing what I'm getting into but I still do it.  Sometimes I pick the best of the worst scenario for bingeing.  For example, I'll be ready to be bad and get chocolate at the gas station, and I'll go in and start reading all the labels.  I'll walk out with a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for 210 calories and 5 gm of protein.  I justify it because of the 5 grams of protein but I still feel guilty.  It wasn't the king size but I wasn't even hungry so why did I do it?

Tonight's binge was trail mix in the middle of the night.  That was after today's earlier binge of another nut mixture (cranberries, walnuts and choc soy nuts) at work today.  I had to take the container to a co-worker to hold for me.  Why did I eat in the middle of the night?  Yuk.  Now I gotta burn it off.  Why did I keep eating the nut mix earlier today?  Why am I doing this to myself?

I have about 25 pounds left to get rid of but its not going anywhere with my out of control bingeing.  I just hope that my obsessive exercising keeps me at my current weight despite the bad choices I'm making.

I suppose it isn't all bingeing either.  I'm enjoying too many special occasions and allowing it because I've worked so hard and deserve it.  I use my exercise as an excuse to refuel with permission.  The fish fry dinner, birthday celebrations, team luncheons, parties, bbq, and more.....they're all good excuses for me to go back to old habits.

I must get control of this darn urge to eat when I'm not hungry.  I must eat healthy choices when hungry and make sure I am fueling my body for nutrition and exercise!!!!  I know what I need to do and I need to do it.  It'll be holiday season soon enough so I need to fix this before all the indulgences are abundant. Annelise, get back on track!  Eat wise.  Eat healthy.  Eat portion sizes.  Get the sugar back out of your diet and concentrate on good wholesome food that will help you run and swim fast!

I can do this! I will do this.  I must do this.   I am going to do this.  Starting now.